Death, Seizures, Anxiety and Absolute Weakness

Death

Pretty gloomy title, right?  Even gloomier when you're the one going through it all at once.  Yup, that was pretty much my life at the beginning of the summer.  I remember back in June how I was so looking forward to an amazing summer with my family and friends.  All that changed on June 20th when I got the call that my dad had a heart attack and was unresponsive.  The paramedics managed to revive him though he remained unconscious.  Less then a week later, on June 26th he passed away.

Umberto DiCristo
September 30, 1939 - June 26, 2013

I had experienced death before after losing my grandparents, aunts and uncles but losing someone really close was so much harder than I ever imagined.  Not going to lie, I was a mess.  My stomach was in knots, I couldn't sleep and sometimes it felt like my heart was beating outside of my chest.  In short, I was dealing with some anxiety.  I stopped drinking coffee because I wanted to remove anything that would possibly exasperate the anxiety and to my surprise after a few days I felt so much better.  I also spent much time in prayer and asked God for forgiveness when I became overwhelmed by fear and anxiety, remembering the scripture "be anxious for nothing".

Seizures

Prior to my dad's passing, we had planned a camping trip with friends up north which just so happened was the weekend after my dad passed away.  We were going to cancel but then thought this might actually be a good time to get away with the kids and have a little break after spending day after day at the hospital.

It was a great idea until our last night camping.  My husband Angelo, had a seizure.  For those of you who don't know, my husband has epilepsy.  He had his very first grand mal seizure on July 1st, 2009.  As we settled in for bed on July 1, 2013, I never imagined that shortly after midnight we would end up in a hospital.  Angelo is taking medication for his seizures so thankfully they do not occur frequently.  I have experienced a great deal of anxiety with his previous seizures but this time it was much worse.  I began to panic a little, mostly because we were not home and I could barely remember where we were staying as I called 911.  Thankfully we had friends who stayed with our kids while I tagged along in the ambulance with Angelo.

Absolute Weakness

It's now the morning of July 2nd, after spending the whole night without sleep in a hospital, we now have to get home and get ready for my dad's wake that evening in Toronto and of course the following day is the funeral.  Yes you guessed it, the anxiety came back full force.  In fact, while we were at the hospital I asked if I could get checked in because I really felt weak and did not think I had enough physical, emotional or spiritual strength to make it through the next two days.  I basically wanted the doctor to give me something for the anxiety and to help me sleep.  I ended up not taking anything because the nurse said I would sleep for days if I was not used to taking that type of medicine.  Not sure if she was joking but it freaked me out enough that I never ended up taking anything.  We finally get home and Angelo heads straight for bed but I could not sleep.  There was no time.  I still had a list of things that HAD to get done before the wake and the funeral.  I broke down several times alone in my washroom.  I cried out to God....Lord I don't think I can do this....how can I do this....you're asking too much of me....I'm not that strong.  I have never experienced such pain and weakness ever and in my absolute weakness I had no choice but to lean on the only one who could carry me through this.  There is no better place to turn to than the Psalms in scripture for comfort.  I so desperately needed the comfort of my Lord that day.  I meditated on Psalm 23.  I cried, I prayed, I begged God to help me through and I finally picked myself up and by God's grace made it through the wake and the funeral. 

Anxiety

Two weeks after the funeral, after the seizure, after the dust settled, I find that I am still struggling.  Why am I still struggling?  Why do I still feel weak?  The funny thing is that my husband and I are part of the counseling ministry in our church.  We have helped people walk through struggles with anxiety.  I felt like I was doing all the things I have counseled people to do yet the anxiety remained.  I have access to tons of resources for the counselling ministry so I went online and listened to a message from Elyse Fitpatrick entitled Steadfast Heart: Experiencing God's Comfort in Life's Storms.  Here it is if you're interested in listening to it:

http://www.ibcd.org/resources/messages/steadfast-heart-experiencing-gods-comfort-in-lifes-storms/

Elyse pointed out two things in the message,  1 - What are you learning through the suffering?  and  2 - What have you forgotten about God?  I started to think about the second question and realized that my trust in God was weakened.  It was easy to trust God when things were going great but now it was getting harder.  My favourite verses in scripture have always been Proverbs 3:5-6.  I even have it as my signature on my email. 

BUT GOD was teaching me something new about His character and also about my character and my faith.  He was and is teaching me to trust Him more and more each day.  It's certainly no coincidence that God impressed those verses on me years ago.

"It isn't always easy to trust God.  But when we understand why He can be trusted it helps us cling to Him, despite the adversity that threatens to overwhelm us."  This is a quote from a mini book entitled 'You Can Trust God' by Jerry Bridges.  It was yet another resource God used to help me through this difficult time.

What I realized was that I was spending more time thinking about and focusing on the anxiety and trying to get rid of it instead of leaning on and abiding in Christ.  I became sin focused instead of Christ focused.  Again this is something we teach our counselees and I had forgotten this basic simple principle.  We even have a hand out we sometimes use to give people a better visual.  Here it is:

Finally, one night I was reading my bible before bed and was feeling a little anxious so I turned to my 'go to' passage in scripture, 1 Peter 5:6-7.  "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on  him, because he cares for you."  I love these verses but this night I decided to read on and although I have read these passages before on this night they meant something more.  1 Peter 5:10-11  "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.  To him be the dominion forever and ever.  Amen"  This is when I had my 'aha' moment.  After you have suffered a little while.....I don't know how long this little while was going to last but that night I firmly resolved to keep myself focused on Christ no matter how great the suffering, now matter how long, no matter how hard knowing that one day he will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish me!  That indeed deserves a great big AMEN!

So after weeks of struggling and suffering, I can now say that the anxiety has subsided.  Will it come back?  Maybe.  But that's okay, because it reminds me how much I truly need Jesus in my life.  What a blessing it is to have the opportunity to grow and to trust him more each day!

Fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Do You Suffer From Log-Speck Syndrome?

The Problem

So what exactly is log-speck syndrome?  It's a term I came up with jokingly to describe a condition we all suffer from.  Of course I totally stole it from one of Jesus' teachings from the sermon on the mount message in the book of Matthew.  Jesus is brilliant!  His analogy regarding the log and speck is so perfect and it really does apply to us all!  Check out these verses:

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.  Matthew 7:3-5

Don't you love how the little cartoon above just really drives the point home even further.  Our natural tendency is to minimize our own sin and maximize the sin of others.   How often are we quick to notice the flaws and shortcomings of those around us like our spouse, our children, our parents, friends, co-workers...the list is endless!  I think it's just so hard for us to evaluate ourselves and even harder to admit when we're wrong.   Let's face it we all have blind spots.  And we all need people in our lives that love us and love Jesus that will help us to see our blind spots clearly.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to see if you too suffer from the log-speck syndrome:

1.  Do you find it easy to point out the flaws in others?  
2.  Do the sins of others seem so much bigger than your own?  
3.  Are you quick to write-off people that hurt you and/or have sinned against you?  
4.  How would those closest to you describe you....more grace filled or are you more critical?
5.  Is it hard for you to forgive?

Let me share how this log-speck syndrome affected me.  I'm going to be very transparent here so I'm warning you it's not pretty.   But this is where my heart was at.  Here it goes:

I had people under the microscope with respect to their salvation, their walk.  Often saying things like, "if they were saved, I don't think they would act like that......".  

I would scrutinize pretty much every sermon I heard, at church, on line or on the radio, constantly looking for the flaws in the sermon, the errors in the message.  Don't get me wrong, I think we need to be diligent and on guard for false teachers.  We do not want to be led astray.  However for me personally, it had gone too far.  I would so easily write-off a pastor whose beliefs did not line up with mine exactly.  

I struggled with watching other people at church appear so weak in their walk, thinking  what is wrong with them....do they not know that Christ lives in them?  I had little patience for believers that struggled with addictions, depression, bad marriages, etc. 

I homeschool my children and of course believed that any other form of schooling was just not acceptable....in fact how could any good Christian send their child to a public school?

I expected my kids to live up to a standard that I had created in mind that functioned as a more legalistic, works-based home than a loving, grace-filled, God honouring home.

I told you it was not pretty.  And of course I could probably go on and on but I think you get the idea of where my heart was at.  I basically had an overly critical spirit that affected all areas of my life.  But then about a year or two ago, God broke me....thankfully!  

The Solution

So do you agree with me?  Do you think we can safely say that log-speck syndrome affects us all in one way or another?  If it's true then what do we do about it?  First we need to have a right view of sin.  Sin, no matter how big or small separates us from God.  It's the reason we need a Saviour!

As I was reflecting on these log-speck verses I couldn't help but think of Paul's words spoken in his letter to Timothy. 

1 Timothy 1:15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.

The apostle Paul, one of my favourite heroes in the Bible calls himself not only a sinner but of the foremost of sinners!  Really?  How can this be?  Why would this apostle, church planter, leader of all leaders in the first century church risk calling himself the 'foremost of sinners'.  Clearly he was not concerned with his reputation.  I mean can you imagine what other believers would say about Paul?  What is it that Paul believed or understood that allowed him the freedom to make this statement?  Paul understood first and foremost that he was a sinner in need of grace, in need of a Saviour!  

Paul understood sin and grace in a way that I never really did.  God has been teaching me so much about grace these past couple of years.  He's allowed me to see my sin in a whole new light and helped me to realize how much I desperately need a Saviour.  Like Paul, I too can now say 'I am the foremost of sinners'.  I honestly would not have been able to say that a few years ago.  I was so blind by my own sin and so intrigued by the sin of others.

I would like to just add here that I am not saying sin is okay or that we are to ignore sin in our lives or the lives of fellow believers.  But I am saying that before we start pointing out the flaws of others, we better have our motives in check and make sure that we do not elevate ourselves above anyone else as if we have arrived.  

The whole irony of this for me personally is the journey God has placed before us.  My husband is in the process of becoming a Biblical Counselor and we both spend a lot of our time coming alongside those hurting or struggling people in the Church....you know some of the ones I mentioned above.  I always had a heart to help and serve but was very ineffective until God broke me.  I am so thankful that God is not finished with me yet and he continues to reveal areas of sin in my life that remind me how much I need Him!  I'm done with judging others and comparing them to me!  I'm now on the 'Jesus is the standard program' and we ALL fall short of the glory of God so how about we focus more on loving and encouraging one another just like Hebrews 3:13 says:

But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.  Hebrews 3:13

A book that helped me tremendously was Paul Tripp's Instruments In the Redeemer's Hands.  I highly recommend reading it.  The subtitle of the books sums it up, "People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change"!  I needed that constant reminder that I am still a sinner in need of grace and in need of change.  This one little sentence from the book says it all:

"No one is more ready to communicate God's grace than someone who has faced his own desperate need for it."  Paul Tripp from Instruments In The Redeemer's Hands

If I may add to what Paul Tripp is saying, it's okay to take the speck out of your brother's eye, just please, please, please remember to deal with the log that's stuck in your own eye first!  That's coming from a gal who had a log stuck in her eye way too long without ever noticing it!

No More Store Bought Meatballs

It's recipe time again!  Today's feature...the Italian meatball.

Can I just say how difficult it is for me to put a real recipe together, like the kind you find in a cookbook but I am trying.  The only time I use measuring cups or spoons is when I'm baking and am forced to be exact.  So please feel free to play around with ingredients or with the measurements to suit your own taste buds.

This recipe is pretty much exactly how my mom makes meatballs and how her mom made meatballs.  Let's begin with a list of ingredients:

1 lb of ground beef
1 egg
1/2 cup dry bread crumbs
1 or 2 slices of slices of bread
1/4 cup parmesan or romano grated cheese
1/4 tsp sea salt
1 tsp dry parsley
1/2 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp garlic powder
2 tbs water
some fresh ground black pepper

Place the ground beef in a bowl.

In another small dish crumble up the two slices of bread and add the 2 tbs of water or maybe a little more if necessary until it looks something like the photo below.  Then add this mixture to the ground beef.

Add the remaining ingredients to the ground beef.

Now its time to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty!  Get in there and mix it all up together.  It will end up looking like the photo below.

Okay now you're ready to shape your meatballs.  Any size will do, just be sure to keep the size consistent.  Personally I prefer the mini meatballs.  I also prefer to bake instead of fry.  I simply place some parchment paper on a cookie sheet and bake the meatballs at 400F for about 20 minutes or so.

Every oven is different and mine is a convection oven so the cooking time may vary.  You really do not have to bake them fully since they will continue to cook through in the sauce.  However my family likes to eat the non-sauce version of meatballs so I like to make sure they are fully cooked (as in the second photo).

This may be a big batch for some people so at this point you can let the meatballs cool and freeze them.  When you are ready to cook them, pop them out of the freezer and straight into some sauce and let simmer for at least an hour....the longer you cook your sauce the more flavour it will have the more tender your meatballs will be.

I don't have a sauce recipe for you here but will try to add one soon.  You can add the meatballs to your favourite tomato sauce recipe or to your favourite store bought ragu.

Not the greatest photo but here is the final product.  Enjoy!  Please leave comments letting me know how your meatballs turned out.