Death, Seizures, Anxiety and Absolute Weakness

Death

Pretty gloomy title, right?  Even gloomier when you're the one going through it all at once.  Yup, that was pretty much my life at the beginning of the summer.  I remember back in June how I was so looking forward to an amazing summer with my family and friends.  All that changed on June 20th when I got the call that my dad had a heart attack and was unresponsive.  The paramedics managed to revive him though he remained unconscious.  Less then a week later, on June 26th he passed away.

Umberto DiCristo
September 30, 1939 - June 26, 2013

I had experienced death before after losing my grandparents, aunts and uncles but losing someone really close was so much harder than I ever imagined.  Not going to lie, I was a mess.  My stomach was in knots, I couldn't sleep and sometimes it felt like my heart was beating outside of my chest.  In short, I was dealing with some anxiety.  I stopped drinking coffee because I wanted to remove anything that would possibly exasperate the anxiety and to my surprise after a few days I felt so much better.  I also spent much time in prayer and asked God for forgiveness when I became overwhelmed by fear and anxiety, remembering the scripture "be anxious for nothing".

Seizures

Prior to my dad's passing, we had planned a camping trip with friends up north which just so happened was the weekend after my dad passed away.  We were going to cancel but then thought this might actually be a good time to get away with the kids and have a little break after spending day after day at the hospital.

It was a great idea until our last night camping.  My husband Angelo, had a seizure.  For those of you who don't know, my husband has epilepsy.  He had his very first grand mal seizure on July 1st, 2009.  As we settled in for bed on July 1, 2013, I never imagined that shortly after midnight we would end up in a hospital.  Angelo is taking medication for his seizures so thankfully they do not occur frequently.  I have experienced a great deal of anxiety with his previous seizures but this time it was much worse.  I began to panic a little, mostly because we were not home and I could barely remember where we were staying as I called 911.  Thankfully we had friends who stayed with our kids while I tagged along in the ambulance with Angelo.

Absolute Weakness

It's now the morning of July 2nd, after spending the whole night without sleep in a hospital, we now have to get home and get ready for my dad's wake that evening in Toronto and of course the following day is the funeral.  Yes you guessed it, the anxiety came back full force.  In fact, while we were at the hospital I asked if I could get checked in because I really felt weak and did not think I had enough physical, emotional or spiritual strength to make it through the next two days.  I basically wanted the doctor to give me something for the anxiety and to help me sleep.  I ended up not taking anything because the nurse said I would sleep for days if I was not used to taking that type of medicine.  Not sure if she was joking but it freaked me out enough that I never ended up taking anything.  We finally get home and Angelo heads straight for bed but I could not sleep.  There was no time.  I still had a list of things that HAD to get done before the wake and the funeral.  I broke down several times alone in my washroom.  I cried out to God....Lord I don't think I can do this....how can I do this....you're asking too much of me....I'm not that strong.  I have never experienced such pain and weakness ever and in my absolute weakness I had no choice but to lean on the only one who could carry me through this.  There is no better place to turn to than the Psalms in scripture for comfort.  I so desperately needed the comfort of my Lord that day.  I meditated on Psalm 23.  I cried, I prayed, I begged God to help me through and I finally picked myself up and by God's grace made it through the wake and the funeral. 

Anxiety

Two weeks after the funeral, after the seizure, after the dust settled, I find that I am still struggling.  Why am I still struggling?  Why do I still feel weak?  The funny thing is that my husband and I are part of the counseling ministry in our church.  We have helped people walk through struggles with anxiety.  I felt like I was doing all the things I have counseled people to do yet the anxiety remained.  I have access to tons of resources for the counselling ministry so I went online and listened to a message from Elyse Fitpatrick entitled Steadfast Heart: Experiencing God's Comfort in Life's Storms.  Here it is if you're interested in listening to it:

http://www.ibcd.org/resources/messages/steadfast-heart-experiencing-gods-comfort-in-lifes-storms/

Elyse pointed out two things in the message,  1 - What are you learning through the suffering?  and  2 - What have you forgotten about God?  I started to think about the second question and realized that my trust in God was weakened.  It was easy to trust God when things were going great but now it was getting harder.  My favourite verses in scripture have always been Proverbs 3:5-6.  I even have it as my signature on my email. 

BUT GOD was teaching me something new about His character and also about my character and my faith.  He was and is teaching me to trust Him more and more each day.  It's certainly no coincidence that God impressed those verses on me years ago.

"It isn't always easy to trust God.  But when we understand why He can be trusted it helps us cling to Him, despite the adversity that threatens to overwhelm us."  This is a quote from a mini book entitled 'You Can Trust God' by Jerry Bridges.  It was yet another resource God used to help me through this difficult time.

What I realized was that I was spending more time thinking about and focusing on the anxiety and trying to get rid of it instead of leaning on and abiding in Christ.  I became sin focused instead of Christ focused.  Again this is something we teach our counselees and I had forgotten this basic simple principle.  We even have a hand out we sometimes use to give people a better visual.  Here it is:

Finally, one night I was reading my bible before bed and was feeling a little anxious so I turned to my 'go to' passage in scripture, 1 Peter 5:6-7.  "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on  him, because he cares for you."  I love these verses but this night I decided to read on and although I have read these passages before on this night they meant something more.  1 Peter 5:10-11  "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.  To him be the dominion forever and ever.  Amen"  This is when I had my 'aha' moment.  After you have suffered a little while.....I don't know how long this little while was going to last but that night I firmly resolved to keep myself focused on Christ no matter how great the suffering, now matter how long, no matter how hard knowing that one day he will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish me!  That indeed deserves a great big AMEN!

So after weeks of struggling and suffering, I can now say that the anxiety has subsided.  Will it come back?  Maybe.  But that's okay, because it reminds me how much I truly need Jesus in my life.  What a blessing it is to have the opportunity to grow and to trust him more each day!

Fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10